Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Gears Grinded

So as most people I have, I have Facebook... Some days I question my sanity in actually having on but I digress. However today while I try not to be offended by things and just pass over it one post stood out at me.

 "I don't understand woman who stay with guys who beat them and cheat your just as stupid as him for staying with him if he's beating on you and you continue to stay with him then you deserve every last hit and if he's cheated on you once hunny he will do it a again !!"

This was her post and it really grinded my gears. One, you don't know, you haven't been there. Two, you can't dictate what you would do if you have never been in that situation. I am not one to air my business, quite frankly I don't like people knowing my personal business. Yes, I have a blog but it is nothing that is extremely personal. It is Biblical or things my crazy kids have done. However, tonight it is really on my heart to discuss some things in my past. Maybe if it helps one person then I will be okay with my decision to do this. This post may come down but for now I feel this is the right thing to do.

I was a "victim" of abuse. I put it in quotations because now that I am out of it I am stronger, smarter, and more aware. I married a man eight years ago, while dating he was charming, attentive, and kind. I really thought he was "the one." We married a year later and I got pregnant with my oldest two months later. All was still great we never even fought. Once she was born and we moved to my old hometown things changed. On our one year anniversary we got into a fight and he locked me outside, calling me psycho for being upset that he didn't want to spend time with me on our anniversary. He made me believe I was the bad guy. It was just a "fight" but it made me start questioning my mental stability. This continued on for six months, anytime we got into a fight it always ended up being convinced it was my fault. We usually fought about him being up all night with the neighbors drinking and me taking care of the oldest and not having support. He would tell me I was insecure, that I couldn't do anything without him etc. That should have been my warning flag but I really started to believe it. He had me convinced that I needed anti-depressants, that I was co-dependent. Then in August of 2007 it was 6am and I had just gotten out of the ER for a bad kidney infection and early that morning I asked him to make a bottle. I could barely move I was so sick. He ended up hitting me while I had our daughter in my arms, multiple times. I called the police and they took him to jail. I said I was done, this was never going to happen again I wouldn't allow it. While I was in the shower that night he came back and told me how sorry he was, that he didn't remember what happened because he was still drunk from the previous night and that it would never happen again, that he loved me etc. Then I questioned myself (he had already ingrained in me that fights were my fault) maybe I jumped the gun, maybe I shouldn't have called the cops. This was my fault that he would have this on my record and things like that. Two weeks later, almost the same scenario happened this time it was way worse, the neighbor literally came inside to drag him out and my ex knocked him out. This time I was taken to the hospital. I vowed to never get back with him again. This went on for six years... six long years never knowing when it would happen, always walking on egg shells. It was so ingrained in me that it was my fault these fights started, that I was the bad person. Then one day I had just had enough, I finally washed my hands of him after he was bashing my head on the floor I reached up and choked him defending myself. We both went to jail that night, despite defending myself. My charges were dropped but it was enough to make me realize that if I didn't get out I would end up in jail for a long time. So, ladies here are some facts about domestic violence.
If he wants to move fast in the relationship, he doesn't respect your boundaries, is jealous and accuses you of cheating, wants to know where you are at all times, is constantly calling/texting you, tells you that you are crazy, fat, stupid, i am the only one that will love you, doesn't take responsibility for his actions, all his past relationships failed because they were "psycho", doesn't want you to spend time with family or friends, seems to good to be true, rages out of control, is impulsive you need to run. Run before you have kids, run before you are committed to him, run before you have too much time invested. Not to de-escalate this, guys this goes for women to. Anyone can be abusive and you never know who it could be happening to. 

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